Today

Today is a sucky day.  I'm going to be totally honest.  Every year on THIS day, I can say it sucks.  Regardless of what happens I HATE this day...  12 years ago today I lost my older brother Jason.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him and what he would have been like, or what we would be doing together with our families.  Or how my kids could have had more cousins and I could have more wonderful little nieces and nephews running around.  How my parents could have more little grand kids to love on.

Yes, I understand I'm assuming a lot that could have been.  Maybe he would not have wanted kids or he wouldn't be doing what I imagined, but dang it, why didn't we get to see what he could have done or who he could have been as a grown man.  It makes me sad that my children will never get to meet him.  I know my 'why' questions won't ever get answered (at least not now).  And dang it I have lots.  Why did he have to suffer?  Why so young?    

Why? Why? Why?

I MISS HIM.

I hate that he is gone, I hate that I remember this day 12 years ago like it was yesterday.  How sad my entire family was (and still is), what we did for the next couple of days after.  How I had to hear my  parents cry so hard and be so sad.
Time does heal, but it is always difficult for us.  I can't even begin to imagine how my parents felt.  I know that it is even more painful for them.  I however am so thankful that they have healed together and made their marriage work through everything they went through.

I thank God everyday for the great things He has given me, health, family, friends, etc.  I pray that we never have to go through something like this again.  I am so thankful for the family I have and how incredibly wonderful they all are.  I try to cherish everyday, even the difficult ones and remember how great things in my life are.
This all has made me a better person, much more understanding, and more appreciative of the good things.

Jason I love you and miss you so much...